


i carry your heart

by hamleting



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - World War I, Grief/Mourning, M/M, Mild Blood, One Shot, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-01
Updated: 2020-12-01
Packaged: 2021-03-09 20:55:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 860
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27782596
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hamleting/pseuds/hamleting
Summary: Renjun had always seen braveness as a flaw. He had always deemed it foolish, impulsive, unreasonable. Until he met Jeno.
Relationships: Huang Ren Jun/Lee Jeno
Comments: 14
Kudos: 27





	i carry your heart

**Author's Note:**

  * For [seupeuu](https://archiveofourown.org/users/seupeuu/gifts).



> inspired by [these pictures](https://twitter.com/seupeuu/status/1332056328949428225?s=20) provided by miss angela
> 
> yes the title is because of the probably overused poem by E. E. Cummings ['[i carry your heart with me(i carry it in]'](https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poetrymagazine/poems/49493/i-carry-your-heart-with-mei-carry-it-in) because i don't like poetry all that much so i only know about five poems in total
> 
> this is very sad, i apologize in advance

The river flowed by Renjun's feet, still carrying the mud of the dozens of boots that had been stomping over the slippery rocks not even a minute before. Ragged, tired boots. Boots that had stepped on more things than their memory could, or wanted, to hold. Cries of celebration reached his ears, whispering the promise of an embrace Renjun should have seeked, but couldn't. Instead, he let the embrace follow its route towards the river, paying no mind to the way the delicate fingers of joy tried to cling to his hair, to his clothes, before finally being drowned by the sound of the current.

 _This should have been us_. Renjun swallowed the thought, forced it back to his aching heart, and it slid down his throat like a heavy bullet. _This should have been us._

Renjun had been sleeping when the news arrived. It had been a troubled sleep, nightmares combined with the humidity of the riverbank, covering him in a sweat that reeked of heartbreak and guilt. He should have been happy to be woken up. He should have been glad when he heard that the seemingly endless Hell the world had been wrapped in had finally come to an end. And he was, for a while. Until the bitter realization fell upon him like inescapable hail.

_It's one day too late._

One day. It was absurd. It was so absurd it made Renjun mad, made him laugh his lungs out until tears split his face in uncountable islands. He had seen him then, when he closed his eyes to block away the masses of smiling faces. He had seen him how he last saw him — eyes ablaze with the reflection of man-made fire, his body, which Renjun had adored and taken care of so much, propelled through the air and out of Renjun's reach, roses blooming from his skin and seeping through the dirty uniform until red was all Renjun could see. 

One day. One day, and all of that wouldn't have happened. One day, and he would be sitting with Renjun by the river, wearing the same smile he had worn when Renjun first met him.

 _You stupid, stupid fool,_ Renjun though with bitterness, both for himself and for him. _You stupid, brave fool._

Renjun had always seen braveness as a flaw. He had always deemed it foolish, impulsive, unreasonable. Until he met Jeno.

Jeno was unreasonable in his braveness. He was reactive, unlike Renjun's calculating nature. He was fast at processing new information. He risked his life for any stranger in need of assistance, always putting other people first, neglecting the very same body that enabled him to be strong for everyone save for himself. 

Maybe Renjun should have seen it coming. Maybe he should have listened to logic. But he had the seed of impulsiveness within himself too, even if he struggled to admit it. Unreasonable, foolish. He had tied himself to Jeno the day he decided to tend to his wounds, sewing their lives together with black thread and a rusty needle, and late at night with entwined limbs and hungry kisses. Kisses that longed for more, for someplace else. Anywhere else, but there 

_One day._

Renjun looked down at his hands. Dirt had clinged to his nails since the very first day he had stepped on that rotten land, but now they had turned into crescent red moons. He was still holding onto him. Jeno to Renjun. Renjun to Jeno.

He swallowed the thought before it could keep on spreading, pressed his palms to his eyelids until the world turned into sparks of purple thunder. Was there life, beyond that rotten land? How could the world not be dead already?

_You said there was nothing for you back home, nobody waiting with open arms. Am I the only one who remembers you? Do you live only in my memory now, clinging to my nails and to my neck until the marks of your love fade too?_

More thoughts like that spiraled in Renjun's head, twisting around his limbs and pulling in every direction. Renjun wanted to allow them. He wanted to surrender and let them split his body in a million pieces. He wanted to burn and turn into ashes at the mercy of the wind. But he couldn't. He couldn't, because he wasn't just Renjun anymore. His body wasn't just the vessel for his tormented soul.

He opened his eyes again, the now clear water speeding under his feet in blurred lines before his vision adapted. His fingers closed around the metallic plates hanging from his neck on instinct, a cold second heart weighing against the one that raced inside his chest. The two of them clinked as they bumped against each other, _Renjun and Jeno, Jeno and Renjun,_ words entwining and merging into one single name, one single heart.

Renjun looked up at the sky. Sunrise was near, and the clouds were beginning to open. He breathed in and out, listening to the current, and he kept on breathing until the air that left his lungs was cleaner than the one he had breathed in.

_It's time to go home._

  
  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> [twt](https://twitter.com/cryojun)   
>  [cc](https://curiouscat.me/hamleting_)   
> 


End file.
